All-Star Superman
Starring the voice talents of John Denton (Clark Kent/Superman), Christina Hendricks (Lois Lane), Anthony Lapaglia (Lex Luthor), Ed Asner (Perry White)
Written by Dwayne McDuffie
Based on the original comic series “All-Star Superman” by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely
Directed by Sam Liu

It’s been quite a while since I reviewed the individual issues of “All Star Superman“, the award-winning limited series comic from Grant Morrison and artist Frank Quitely, for PTG, but I remember being very aware that I was in the minority in terms of my feelings for the book.

Quite simply, I didn’t care for it.

Unlike most Superman fans with a taste for more dramatic, thought-provoking storytelling when it comes to comics, I was not, in any sense of the word, “wowed” by what Morrison was doing. Truthfully, I often found the book off-putting in the same way I at times found his work on Final Crisis, Final Crisis: Superman Beyond and any other multiverse-spanning storyline of his off-putting. His “super-science” technobabble gobbledygook filling up dialogue at every opportunity, his off-kilter pacing, his sometimes bizarre characters and characterizations of particular characters all left me cold. It wasn’t all bad, per se–I remember finishing particular issues and thinking, “That wasn’t bad at all!” and then being disappointed a month later (or whenever the next issue came out) because he once again went off in another weird, wacky direction. More than once I thought particular issues felt like filler; perhaps I’d feel differently if I read the series in a consolidated form, but coming out month to month, some issues left me feeling as though I wanted those fifteen minutes I spent reading back to use more productively. Year after year it continued to win Eisner awards and praise within and outside the comic book community, and I just shook my head and felt dumb, because I just didn’t “get” it. It just didn’t work for me.

Thus, when Warner Premiere and DC Entertainment announced that All-Star Superman would be the basis for the next DC Universe Animated Feature series entry, my reaction was a very emphatic “Eh.” Once I had time to think about it, however, I became more intrigued with the possibilities, simply because due to time constraints, whatever screenwriter they got to work on the project would be forced to make cuts in order to make the narrative move more efficiently, and make the dialogue and exposition palatable to human ears (Morrison has even said recently that he deliberately writes superhero stories “with non-naturalistic, composed or heightened dialogue.”). In my view, the feature had a chance to be more compelling emotionally than its source material just because it would have to shear away all the gobbledygook in order to keep viewers engaged and not be three hours long.

Well, I was only partly correct. Writer Dwayne McDuffie (who passed away unexpectedly the day after this video was released) DOES eliminate a number of subplots and story tangents while still keeping a great deal of original story elements intact in his screenplay (more elements, in fact, than Morrison himself has admitted he believed to be possible).

Unfortunately, the work as a whole STILL is not compelling emotionally, which is truly remarkable, considering what we have in All-Star Superman is the story of Kal-El facing his mortality, facing imminent death and wishing to take care of a few last things before leaving this mortal coil. If anything, it should be the MOST emotionally riveting of Superman stories, and yet, it lacks, for lack of a better word, “punch.”

McDuffie is not to blame, certainly. He’s given us a faithful adaptation of an extremely complex piece of writing within the constraints of having to create an 86-minute long animated feature. He included all the most important story beats from Morrison’s tale, and incorporated a large amount of original dialogue from the comics. For those who loved Morrison’s story as it unraveled in the series, this adaptation will no doubt be a delight each time they hear remembered lines or experience beloved story moments in a completely new way. Visually, the animators clearly worked hard to replicate Frank Quitely’s distinctive character designs, and to bring to life the “gentle giant” quality he bestows upon the Man of Steel, and they are largely successful. In terms of fealty to the source material, this film is one of the most faithful yet.

And maybe that’s why, once again, it didn’t work for ME. Didn’t care for the original story, don’t care for the movie adaptation. Not so much of a stretch, right?

One thing I will say that I was truly underwhelmed by that had no connection to Morrison’s work was the voice cast for this particular feature. James Denton, perhaps best known for his recurring role as Mike Delfino on Desperate Housewives, takes a turn as Clark/Superman for this feature, but he doesn’t bring much to the table here. While watching the film I was reminded of Adam Baldwin’s performance as Superman in Superman: Doomsday, and how un-memorable it was, and the two are quite comparable. Christina Hendricks (Mad Men) does a credible Lois Lane, particularly during the few moments she banters with Clark, although I was reminded how much I detested Morrison’s characterization of Lois in this story, and that, no doubt, is coloring my opinion. Anthony Lapaglia (Without a Trace) brings Lex Luthor to life with just the right amount of intellectual arrogance and sneer to make you want to see him beaten by the end, and that would be a good thing IF we had a Superman in place that we felt like cheering for. Unfortunately, as pointed out earlier, Denton doesn’t make it work, and like Superman: Doomsday, when the lead character’s voice work doesn’t live up to the role, the rest has to struggle just to be mediocre.

Grade: C

The Last Phantom #4
Written by Scott Beatty
Pencils by Eduardo Figerato
Colors by Vinicius Andrade

I’ve reviewed every issue so far of “The Last Phantom” from Dynamite Entertainment, the previous three on the air, and now here with issue #4, and I still remain convinced that it’s a great comic book, filled realistic, gritty depictions of both the “modern” 22nd Phantom, his enemies, and his battles. That said, not a whole lot happens in issue #4’s story, entitled “Ghost Ship.” It does feature one very important milestone for this story’s Kit Walker, a man who walked away from the legacy of “The Phantom” only to find himself walking the path of his fathers in search of justice. Some of those earliest ancestors, including the very first Phantom, fought pirates on the high seas, and in “Ghost Ship” Kit finds himself battling with modern-day pirates, seeking to steal not gold or jewels, but instead the treasures of today, electronics and collectible toys (yes, that’s in the script!). That one mention is perhaps the lightest moment in the issue, as the rest is all business and speed Kit along in his journey toward the man who had his family and friends murdered while also stealing his philanthropic foundation and its resources. This is also the first time we see the current Phantom wearing his traditional color, the deep purple that looked so silly on Billy Zane all those years ago but works well on paper, although the suit is far more than just a fashion statement here, and stands to add a new twist to the Phantom’s legend.

Writer Scott Beatty keeps action and dialogue well balanced, as he has throughout these proceedings, and artist Eduardo Ferigato continues to supply consistently strong pencils depicting clear, visceral action that’s easy to follow from panel to panel. You might put this one down thinking that it felt slightly like filler, but once you take into account where the Phantom began his journey, and I don’t just mean THIS particular Phantom, but all of them in the line, then the reason for this story to be told becomes clear, and the read becomes even more enjoyable.

Artifacts #5 (of 13)
Written by Ron Marz
Pencils by Whilce Portacio
Inks by Sunny Gho and Arif Prianto of IFS

The second act of Top Cow’s crossover event Artifacts begins here, with a new artist on hand to bring to life Ron Marz’s grand storyline bringing together Top Cow’s most popular characters and teams along with their respective enemies. Comic industry veteran Whilce Portacio brings his talents to Top Cow’s biggest stage, and he’s given the task of bringing new players into the drama, namely Cyberforce, the team created by fellow Image Comics founder Marc Silvestri. Cyberforce is recruited by the android Aphrodite IV as yet more pawns in the game being played out for control of the “thirteenth artifact”, under the ownership and control of an as-yet undisclosed character. Portacio also gets to give us his renditions of Sara Pezzini (Witchblade), Jackie Estacado (The Darkness), Danielle Baptiste (The Angelus), Patience (The Magdelena) and the other bearers of the known artifacts, as one side tries to figure out what’s going on and what’s happened to Sara’s daughter, Hope, while the other positions itself to eliminate the heroic artifact bearers and take the final one for themselves.

Marz is Marz; you either love all the intricate (over)plotting or you don’t. The story here really is Portacio and what he brings to the table. Now I haven’t seen anything Portacio has done since WAYYYY back in the day when he was doing pencils on X-Factor (yeah, I’m old, shut up.). I have to say, his style hasn’t changed much. That’s not a knock–if anything, it should tell other old timers like me what to expect from this issue and the next few that he’s providing pencils for. Lots of lines, lots of big hair, lots of crazy energy effects. What’s a surprise here is how muted it all comes off due to the rather spare color palette provided by the inkers. The book might have profited and really jumped off the page with some bolder colors and deeper contrast, but as it currently stands, everything has a background of either beige, brown, or gray, and it just hushes everything. Maybe that’s deliberate to control Portacio’s line work, but I think it works against the art truly coming alive. We’re used to seeing Witchblade and The Angelus in particular come to life in big bold color thanks to the remarkable work of artist Stjepan Sedjic, the regular penciler on Witchblade, so this new approach to the characters is jarring and a bit of a letdown.

If you haven’t read the previous issues of Artifacts, or any of Top Cow’s other long-running series whose characters are featured all coming together in this book, then you’re going to be hopelessly lost. In fact, I’m pretty sure my description just now left you hopelessly lost, because this story has LOTS of moving parts, characters with sub-plots and complex motivations, and you get the sense that Marz is just getting started cluing us in on what’s really going on. For veteran Top Cow readers, however, this book has been a real treat, and it only gets better now that we’ve added Cyberforce to the mix, and even Hunter-Killer got a mention, so you have to wonder when they will show up, as well. It’s Top Cow’s party and you’re invited, definitely, for what’s setting up to be a great ride, but do your homework first and at least read up on these characters and their previous travails on the wiki before diving in if you want to actually enjoy the proceedings.

Brightest Day #19
Written by Geoff Johns, Peter J. Tomasi
Pencils by Ivan Reis, Joe Prado
Colors by Aspen MLT’s, Peter Steigerwald

Last issue’s shocking ending (and note how I did NOT put quotation marks around “shocking”, because when I finally got around to reading #18, right before picking up issue #19, I was floored) really got me feeling as though Brightest Day is really and truly winding down to a conclusion that might, just might, make all the meandering this story has done worth the while.

This issue picks up right where issue #18 left off, with Deadman (Boston Brand) and the White Lantern ring on his finger that’s been so enigmatic throughout the series thus far, only now the ring is feeling chatty, and sets out to explain what’s happening on Earth and what role the twelve heroes resurrected at the end of Blackest Night had to play in preventing something ELSE from destroying the Earth. This is only a small portion of the book, however; the main bulk of the comic switches us back to Aquaman and Jackson Hyde, the new Aqualad as they race to face down Black Manta, Siren, and the Atlantean invasion force behind them. By the end of this issue, things are going very badly for Arthur and Jackson, and Arthur finds himself feeling the most painful kind of deja vu, which leaves you truly wondering if his return to prominence in the DCU will be as brief as it appears the Hawks’ was.

I have to say, artwork really carries this issue, as at times the script gets mired in exposition both in Deadman’s story and Aquaman’s. Joe Prado’s work is solid in the Deadman portion, but it’s Ivan Reis’ handling of the Aquaman pages that really shines. When Reis is at the top of his game, as he is in this issue, you feel (or at least, I feel) as though he could tell the story coherently and powerfully without the script and dialogue present at all. Plus, he’s got some truly amazing splash pages in this issue that simply explode off the page. If you enjoy Reis’ work, you’ll find yourself flipping through the pages again a few times just to take in the scenes again as he depicts them. For my part, whatever book he happens to work on next, I’ll buy, regardless of what it is, because he’s THAT good.

From the outset of Brightest Day, writers Geoff Johns and Peter Tomasi have told us that the story was about second chances, and that sometimes second chances don’t work out the way we hope they might. Because the story has taken so long to develop (can you believe this has been running for almost a year now?), it’s been easy to lose sight of that overarching idea. But it’s all really coming together now, and if last issue didn’t serve notice to readers that Johns and Tomasi meant what they said, this issue certainly makes a strong push to drive the point home even further. Look out everyone, because I think Brightest Day is about to get very, very dark in the final stretch.

Invincible Iron Man 500.1
Written by Matt Fraction
Pencils by Salvador Larocca
Inks by Frank D’Armata

Marvel begins its “Point 1″ series of re-launch titles this week with Invincible Iron Man 500.1, which undertakes the task of providing a good point for readers new to Marvel to start collecting books centered around its tentpole characters.

As such, there’s no new storyline introduced here (and that’s kind of irritating considering that issue #500 was also kind of a one-shot stand-alone issue with little resonance or connection to the previous story arc); but rather a VERY condensed retelling of Tony Stark’s life and times, as told by Stark himself and with the unifying theme being his neverending battle with alcoholism. The story device that writer Matt Fraction sets up to provide Stark with an opportunity to tell his own story to a room full of strangers (and to new readers) is interesting and compelling–it works primarily because Fraction has been writing Tony Stark for so long that the voice throughout is utterly authentic. In fact, it might work TOO well, as this Tony Stark sounds very little like the Tony Stark of the Iron Man movies, and fans of the films who pick up the book hoping to hear Robert Downey, Jr.’s voice resounding through the pages will certainly be disappointed. Fraction’s Stark has been humbled, time and again, over the course of the past few years of storytelling, and so the boisterous, irrepressible energy that characterizes Downey’s portrayal of Stark is nowhere to be found here. That’s a good thing, frankly; if the Stark of the comics could still walk around with all that Downey swagger and arrogance after what he’s been through and what he’s put his friends and allies through, he’d have people lining up to beat the crap out of him … even moreso than usual.

There is a lot to like about this particular issue if you’re a long-time Iron Man fan. Fraction’s script successfully gives us a slide show depicting the most important people, places, and challenges that Tony Stark has met as Iron Man in single images with no dialogue save for Stark’s speech, and those images should bring back good memories of some truly great moments. Larocca’s art style is so very different than those that originally brought us all those moments over almost 50 years of publication, but his depiction of Iron Man, like Fraction’s voice for Tony, is so familiar at this point after so many issues that the difference is not distracting. Oddly enough, considering that this book is meant to lure new readers, I think people unfamiliar with Fraction’s tone on Iron Man will be somewhat off-put by what they find, because it won’t be nearly the same kind of nostalgic fun for them that it is for someone who’s followed Tony around for a while.

The Mechanic
Starring Jason Statham, Ben Foster, Tony Goldwyn, Donald Sutherland
Produced by Robert Chartoff, William Chartoff, Irwin Winkler, David Winkler
Written by Richard Wenk, Lewis John Carlino
Directed by Simon West

Maybe we really have no right to criticize Jason Statham for doing what he does time and time again in his films. After all, he seems infinitely bankable no matter what type of film project he signs onto, he’s consistent and believable in his roles (except when the script calls for the unbelievable, i.e. The Transporter series), and he’s one of this film generation’s few true “action heroes”, which is to say he’s an A-lister in Hollywood with whom we identify primarily with action films, as opposed to other actors who occasionally play action roles but just as often take on dramatic or comedic turns. Not bad for a one-time Olympic swimmer and later black marketeer. He does what he does and he does it well, so more power to him, right? Right.

So I won’t criticize him.

I’ll just focus on the movie around him, instead, since there’s plenty to work with there.

“The Mechanic” falls toward the opposite extreme from Statham’s popular Transporter and Crank movies. While those movies are characterized by their insane, over-the-top set pieces and storytelling, “The Mechanic” tells a relatively restrained story, with the quiet, steely-eyed Statham at its center as Arthur Bishop, a “mechanic” (hitman) who regards his “assignments” (murder contracts) with the same precision and care that he displays when caring for and playing his vinyl records of piano sonatas or working on his prize vintage sports car. Bishop lives and works alone, and the film does take its time illustrating his deliberate isolation from people (though he is shown taking care of people who help him along the way, a bottle of scotch here, a chihuahua in need of a home there …). His only true “friend” seems to be Harry McKenna (Donald Sutherland), a wheelchair-bound bigwig in the “company” that employs Bishop and sends him on his assignments. We get a sense that the men are friends because during a meeting with McKenna, Bishop brings up McKenna’s son Steve (Ben Foster), with whom the elder man seems to have little feelings for save disappointment. After Harry’s sudden death, Steve encounters Bishop and expresses an interest in his trade:

“I want to know what you know.”

“You can read about it. It’s all over the internet.”

“I don’t want to read it. I want to DO it.”

Bishop has his reasons for finally taking Steve under his wing, and what follows is Steve’s apprenticeship and initiation into the world of being a mechanic, and immediately afterward a confrontation with the people who ordered Harry’s demise, as certain facts inevitably come to light and Bishop goes and does something he advised Steve earlier in the film would get a professional in their line of work killed: he seeks revenge.

The movie does what it does competently–it never lags, nor does it ever feel rushed. The fight scenes are, as you might expect from Statham, visceral and bone-crunchingly brutal. Through it all Statham stares coldly and walks boldly; in other words, he plays to his strengths. The rest of the cast turns in similarly workman-like performances, Foster as the angry, maladjusted Steve who enjoys the brutality of the work a little too much (”I’ve always had this anger. Now I’ve got a place to put it.”), and Sutherland as the world-weary contractor with a soft spot for his most reliable employee.

Where this movie falls short is in the “fun” factor. The whole thing moves along smoothly, like the “machine” Harry says that Bishop is, but there’s very little humor along the way to lighten the proceedings, and if last year’s big budget action hits taught us anything, it’s that humor is needed to make these movies really click with audiences. For example, as bloated as “The Expendables” (Statham’s last big screen project prior to this film) felt compared to this lean-and-mean “Mechanic”, at least screenwriter Sylvester Stallone included some moments of levity and fun in his script to keep things from becoming too moribund. A better example might be Statham’s own “Crank” movies; say what you want about the level of absurdity in their premises, but both of those movies never fail to bring the “fun”, and thus are remembered fondly by fans of Statham’s films, including Hollywood studio execs who made tons of money on those movies.

The other route you can go with this type of material is the route of the thoughtful, probing character drama, a route that George Clooney’s “The American” took last summer with a very similar character at its center. However, that movie made Clooney’s isolation, emotional disconnect, and paranoia the centerpiece of the film, rather than fight scenes and explosions, and thus ends up regarded more as a thriller than an action film. Ironically, the original version of “The Mechanic“, made in 1972 by the same Chartoff/Winkler production team that can be found in the credits of the new film and starring the late Charles Bronson as Bishop and pre-Airwolf Jan-Michael Vincent as Steve, also took a more cerebral, almost existential approach to the characters and the lives they lead.

The production team of the 2011 version deliberately chose to avoid philosophizing and instead focused on updating the material with more stunts and fight scenes, more gun battles and explosions. The end product thus fails to transcend the realm of “just ‘eh’”. Will the film bore you? Not likely. Will you regret spending your money on it? If you like action films, probably not.

But are you likely to be talking about the movie with your friends months and years later as one of Statham’s best? Are you likely to keep it tuned in if you come across it playing on cable TV in a few years?

Most likely no. In fact, seeing it on will most likely put you in the mood to watch a more enjoyable Statham movie, like Crank.

Grade: C+

The Green Hornet
Starring Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Cameron Diaz, Christoph Waltz
Produced by Neal H. Moritz
Written by Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg
Directed by Michel Gondry

Well, there’s ONE thing this new film incarnation of “The Green Hornet” has in common with its predecessor, the 1960s TV show starring Van Williams and Bruce Lee:

Kato was the most entertaining part of it. Maybe when they distribute the film in China they’ll retitle it “Kato”. It sure would be a savvy marketing move, since Jay Chou is huge over there for his musical talents.

What’s so baffling about this action buddy comedy goof-fest that writer, co-producer, and star Seth Rogen (along with his frequent writing partner Evan Goldberg) have thrown at us is that Rogen so passionately tried to fight down the perception growing among the masses that the film was going to be just a goof, another in his long line-up of stoner comedies. He showed up at Comic-Con last year with his cast and director in tow and presented the movie as something serious, something different than anything he’d done before, but it was a tough sell to the crowd. Hell, even the title, with the word “green” in it, works against Rogen’s hopes of presenting the film as anything but another stoner comedy, and himself as a believable man-child who grows into the role of a hero.

Going into the film, I wanted to see Rogen be successful, to surprise everyone with a film that was worthy of being compared to the films he mentioned in terms of trying to peg his movie’s tone to the public, Lethal Weapon and 48 HRS.. Also, as someone currently reading The Green Hornet comic book series from Dynamite Entertainment, a series whose first ten issues were written by Kevin Smith based on the movie script he wrote for a Green Hornet film back in 2006, I wanted to see a film that was AT LEAST as enjoyable as what Smith had wanted to put on screen would have been.

Walking out of the film, one of the my first thoughts was, “Yup. Smith’s film would have been better.”

This film gives us a a different spin on a premise that we’ve seen before MANY times, but works over and over again in the superhero genre: Britt Reid (Rogen), irresponsible party-boy son of millionaire newspaper publisher James Reid (Oscar-winner Tom Wilkinson, in a role he should have turned down), suddenly finds himself in charge when the elder Reid dies suddenly. Though uninterested in anything having to do with his late father’s once-great crusader newspaper (he’s got daddy issues), Britt does take an interest in one of Dad’s former employees, Kato (Jay Chou), who worked on Daddy’s many exotic cars and made a truly amazing cup of coffee. They discover they both felt the same way about Britt’s dad (Kato: “He was a little bit of a dick.” Britt: “Yes, yes he was.”), bond over beers and Kato’s engineering ingenuity, and after a drunken attempt at vandalism leads to some inadvertent heroism, Britt decides that the two of them could be a crimefighting duo. “We’ve both been completely wasting our potential,” Britt says to Kato, still drunk on beer AND being a hero for a night. “Well, maybe you a lot more than me.” Kato goes to work designing weapons, including “The Black Beauty”, quite possibly the coolest automobile seen in a superhero movie since the Batmobile in Tim Burton’s first Batman film, the two hit the streets of L.A. with nary a clue about how to go about their plan to pose as villains to truly scare the rest of the criminal underworld, and lots of violence, punctuated by goofs as Britt bumbles while Kato kicks ass, follows in their wake. Throw in Britt’s new journalism-savvy secretary Lenore Case (Cameron Diaz) and a crimelord named Chudnofsky who is neurotic about the possibility that he might not be scary enough (Christoph Waltz), and what do you get?

The equivalent of spilled split pea soup: a steaming hot green mess.

The biggest problem here, not surprisingly, is the character at the heart of the film. The best action comedies, the ones that go on to live in people’s memories as fun films that you can watch over and over again, films like Lethal Weapon, 48 Hrs, and the first two Beverly Hills Cop movies, had at their core intensely likable characters. Eddie Murphy’s Axel Foley, Gibson and Glover’s Riggs and Murtaugh, these were characters who, though they could be outrageously funny, were never parodies or caricatures of people. They had enough depth to them that we could come to care about what happens to them on-screen. But Rogen’s Britt Reid is little more than a case of arrested development, an insensitive, narcissistic jerk who treats people badly even WHEN he’s trying to do something good, and he doesn’t ever REALLY change over the course of the film. To me, Britt’s antics weren’t particularly funny or likable; you want him to get his ass kicked so that maybe he will grow up, but it takes far too long to happen in the movie, and by then you just don’t care. Kato, in contrast, is written as competent and unbelievably skilled, but that character is never completely realized due to Chou’s limited acting skills (Many critics have pointed out his spoken English as the problem, but I disagree–it’s that his facial expression never changes. It’s not that he doesn’t speak well, but rather that he doesn’t emote well.) While he’s beating up on thugs, Chou does quite well–as I said at the start, Kato is still the most entertaining part of the whole thing–but when he’s trying to charm Lenore or arguing the Hornet and Kato’s next move with Britt (”Do you even have a plan?” “Yes, I have a plan! I just haven’t told you about it yet, and it’s AWESOME!”), it all falls flat.

It should be noted that the touch of director Michel Gondry, whose most memorable film work to date is the critically-acclaimed “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is absolutely nowhere to be seen here. He’s even gone on the record and said, “It’s not really my movie,” apparently because Rogen had final say on just about everything, and thus it’s really Rogen’s vision of the film that we see unfold on-screen. In other words, Gondry’s talents, along with those of Wilkinson, Waltz, and Diaz, are all wasted here in what in the end became a Seth Rogen vanity project.

Fans of Rogen’s films will no doubt defend the work as irreverent, goofy fun, but I wonder if they’re really doing their hero a favor in doing so. After all, Rogen seemed to want to make a (slightly) more serious superhero movie, something that could be talked about along with the more straightforward superhero films that have come before and those coming later this year. Tossing it in with the rest of his library of stoner-noir classics instead may not, in fact, have been what he was hoping audiences would do.

Grade: C-

Well, that certainly wasn’t worth the wait.

For those who might have been paying attention, previews for Nicolas Cage’s foray into sword-and-supernatural period films, Season of the Witch, began appearing in theaters around this time LAST YEAR, as its distributor at the time, Lionsgate, had scheduled it for release in March, 2010. But five weeks before its scheduled date, Lionsgate pulled it from their slate.

Now I see why, or at least I think I do.

It’s not a good thing when you walk out of a Nic Cage movie and say to yourself, “Thank God for Ron Perlman!” Not that I have anything against the veteran actor at all–his turns as Hellboy have made him just about sacrosanct in geek circles, so even if he was bad in everything else, which he isn’t, no one would care. it’s just that in this film, Perlman is the sidekick, and thus its sad that he’s the most entertaining thing on screen at any given moment during SotW’s thankfully short 98 minutes.

Cage plays Behmen, a 14th Century Knight who deserts the Holy Crusade he and his buddy Felson (Perlman) are on once he realizes, “Hey, look, we’ve been killing women and children in the name of the Church.” When he and Felson return to England, they find the countryside ravaged by what we as the audience are left to think is “The Black Plague“, only the clergy in one particular village have a different idea about what’s going on: a witch (Claire Foy) summoned the disease from Hell, and thus only with her death will the plague end. Though at first he refuses to serve the Church again by delivering the witch to a monastery where the monks know the proper ritual to deal with witches, Behmen eventually agrees under the condition that the girl receive a fair trial to determine her guilt or innocence. The rest of the film details the journey to the monastery, the discoveries made along the way, and the inevitable death of lots of characters.

Apparently, this project has been in development since 2000. To me, it felt like a half-assed D&D campaign put together by a DM who might have been a medieval history buff in about ten minutes, rather than ten years. The story is predictable, the characters are stock archetypes from table-top role-playing games (Knight, Priest, Rogue, Fighter), and the central dramatic question that the trailers for the film seem to ask–is she a witch or isn’t she?–is dispensed with pretty early on in the film, leaving nothing but the body count to resolve itself.

The action itself is serviceable, if not remarkable. The sword fights look and feel like the work of someone who’s watched a lot of the work of better period action film directors like Wolfgang Petersen and Ridley Scott. Similarly, the special effects on screen look like they were crafted by people who’ve seen every Guillermo del Toro movie ever made. Thus, you could say it all comes together and looks like an imitation of better movies, but just an imitation.

With regard to Cage as Behmen, this is quite possibly the ONE case of miscasting that might finally lift the casting of Richard Gere as Launcelot in First Knight out and away from “worst miscasting of a medieval knight EVER” status. (Personally, I didn’t mind Gere in that role, but I’m all alone there, pretty much). Cage’s attempt at taciturn and remorseful just comes off as drab and miserable; it’s a very good thing that Perlman is in just about every scene with Cage, and his Felson is much more irreverent, fun character. The script doesn’t attempt to constrain either actor with period-style language, resulting in anachronisms that Perlman can pull off and Cage simply can’t. For those folks out there (like me) who actually enjoy Cage’s awful movies as guilty pleasures or movies to just laugh out loud at, this one should be lots of fun on home video. Just make sure someone else puts it in their Netflix queue so that your friends on there don’t give you grief.

To top it all off, the film’s color palette is almost entirely shades of gray, adding to the plodding feeling you get even with its short length. By the end you’ll feel like you’ve been released from a dungeon yourself.

Has Cage made worse movies? Yes he has. Bangkok Dangerous comes to mind, in particular. Has he made worse career choices? Sure he has–just look at his current financial situation. But this one really feels like it should have gone straight to video and never seen the light of a cinema. If anything, Cage should have just opened up his home to director Dominic Sena and the cast, bought lots of Cheetos and Mountain Dew, handed the screenwriter a Dungeon Master’s Screen and some dice, and said, “Okay, let’s roll for initiative!”

Grade: D+ (but for folks who enjoy Cage’s horrible movies, a solid B!)

Originally posted at PrimeTimeGeek.com.

PTG Episode 148 is brought to you by the AAA (Anime Addicts Anonymous) Podcast. AAA Hosts Mitsugi and Chiaki were, of course, my special guest co-hosts for this episode and Episode 149, and once again I say ‘thank you’ to them for all the great info and all the laughs. Whether you’ve recently become a fan of anime, you’ve been a casual fan for a while now or you’re a hardcore, lifelong fan of the genre, their podcast episodes, their blog, and their forums are bound to have something fun and interesting for you to enjoy, so do check them out, if you haven’t already, and when you sign up for the forums (which I KNOW you’re going to do, because I just told you to), please be sure and let them know you’re there because you heard them here on PTG.

But before you do THAT, please sit back, relax, and enjoy this first hour of last Sunday’s live webcast, which features thoughts on the upcoming Fall 2010 Anime Season, reviews of two summer releases, Occult Academy and High School of the Dead, and also a look ahead to EXP Con III in St. Augustine, FL in less than two weeks!

Happy Friday, everyone!

Here’s something for you to put on your calendar for NEXT Friday, May 14th, starting at 10PM at Club 57 West in Downtown Orlando. Our friends Dr. Vern & Company bring you Straight Up Geek, a night of live musical performance from all across the geek spectrum! From the songwriter stylings of Marc with a C to the Ninja Rap of Krondor Krew, Straight Up Geek will bring you hours of live entertainment for only $5 at the door! Check out the websites of the bands performing by clicking on the links below, and head over to www.club57west.com to find out more about them and other live performances going on there this month. See you there!

• Marc with a C
• The House of Black
• Krondor Krew

As you may already know, we’re trying to increase our numbers on our Facebook Fan page, because to me it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for us to be getting as many downloads as we do a month, but have less than one hundred fans on Facebook! (Yeah, I know, right, less than a hundred!) In order to get those numbers up a bit higher, we’re turning to a time-honored method that we’re sure will not fail.

We’re resorting to a bribe!

In partnership with our friends over at Heroes Landing in Clermont, FL, we’re offering this VERY limited opportunity to win a $10 gift certificate to Heroes Landing simply by becoming a fan on our Facebook fan page. To qualify for the gift certificate, here’s all you have to do:

1. Click on this button:
2. Click on “Become a Fan” at the top of the page (people who are already fans are not eligible, sorry–and DON’T un-fan us (did I really just say “un-fan”? Ugh.) and then re-fun us just to have a crack at the prize. I have a list of all the current fans!).
3. That’s it! We’re counting everyone who becomes a fan from Fan #92 (we have 91 right now) right up until Fan #106, so as long as there aren’t more than 106 already when you go to the page, you qualify. Why #106? Well, I’ll tell you …

On Saturday, April 10th, during Episode 106 (now you get it, right?), we will draw the name of the winning fan and announce it on the air. We’ll send the winner’s name to Todd and Stu over at Heroes Landing, and then all you have to do is head over there to claim your prize! Much thanks to Heroes Landing for helping us out with this, and also to The Man from Slacker and the Man for being where when I hatched the idea during last week’s show–hey, gotta give credit where it’s due, right?

Originally posted at PrimeTimeGeek.com.

PTG Episode 101 is brought to you by “Adventure Chefs: Making Danger Delicious!“, the new reality show being developed for television by our good friend Terry Cronin of Students of the Unusual. As part of PTG’s MegaCon 2010 coverage this past weekend, the first panel I attended on Friday was the “Adventure Chefs” panel, which showed audience members clips of the first couple of episodes shot, as well as introduced the audience to director Steven Shea, who directed Episode 2, and Lisa Corrao, stand-up comedienne and guest judge in Episode 1. I have to say that I’m not all that big on cooking shows. Shows about EATING, like Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations and Man vs. Food, on the other hand, will get my attention every time. This concept, sending competitors out into the wild to forage and hunt for what they’re going to cook up for the judges, takes a few elements from those Travel Channel shows in the sense that, in addition to the food preparation portion of the show, the crew and competitors travel to different picturesque locales each week and makes the most of those settings in order to engage the audience. It looks like a lot of fun for everyone involved and a fun show to get into watching every week. Click on the link for Adventure Chefs above and check it out, or find them HERE on Facebook.

This entire episode is devoted to all things MegaCon. In addition to talking about my coverage of the Adventure Chefs panel, the 5th Annual MegaCon Indie Film Festival, and the DC Nation panel on Day 2, The Man from Slacker and the Man joins us on the phone to talk about his adventures (and misadventures) on the convention floor, including his brief but oh-so-unforgettable (and enviable!) encounter with a particular Star Trek: The Next Generation luminary who happens to be VERY active on Twitter!

Speaking of Star Trek, let me take a moment to call your attention to Vulcan Events, the new science-fiction based entertainment venture from Fernando Martinez, a man with over 25 years experience in organizing fun and exciting conventions and events geared towards sci-fi fans. Their first convention will be in Tampa this upcoming April 30th-May 2nd and features special guests Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future, Star Trek III) and Michael Shanks (Stargate SG-1, Smallville), along with a growing list of bonus guests. Even though it happens to fall in the same weekend as Free Comic Book Day, you’re not going to want to miss this show, so find a way to do BOTH!

Also in this episode, The Man and I banter about the various parties over that weekend, including the truly EPIC Wolf Pack Elite MegaCon Attendees After Party, which well exceeded all expectations we might have had, so congratulations to them, because I’m sure they could not have been more pleased with the results. From the Sci-Fried show that started the evening, the all-out transformation of Backstage at the Rosen Plaza Hotel into Bartertown, to the auctioning off of “slave” men and women to the highest bottle-cap holding bidder, this party set a new standard in theme parties that I daresay the WPE is going to have to work hard to beat next year!

All in all, everyone involved with MegaCon this year had to be absolutely thrilled at the success of the show, if you measure that success in terms of attendance numbers alone. Three-Day weekend passes to the convention were sold out by late afternoon on Friday, and Saturday the main exhibit hall was packed to capacity, to the point where no one else could enter until someone left the room! I’d say that’s a pretty good indicator of success for a convention.